I just read a few of my entries from the end of last year, when I was desperately trying to get that place in Boston for research and I was so much looking forward to it and thought it was the best thing ever :) Made me smile how happy I was back then.
And also makes me really look forward to the time I’ll have :)
It’s weird…these last weeks I have changed so many things – I got a new haircut (I finally got rid of those stupid curls^^), I bought new clothes, I kinda changed my style a little and I started making too many last appointments. The last time I went to work. The last time I would see this person or that friend. So many last times….
I feel like I’m losing my life. And on the other hand there is this new one waiting for me, this one I’m looking forward to, I am so curious about I wanna jump right in.
But it hurts leaving the old one.
And I know I’m stupid. Because I’ll come back. Because nowadays we have the internet and keeping in contact is quite possible. But somehow I can’t really convince myself I will have a life here to come back to.
To understand my fear of leaving you maybe need to know something. I lost my very best friend in this world in the year she spent in a foreign country. We tried to keep in contact, but it seemed so superficial compared to what we had before. I had a very tough year and came out bruised and hurt and she came back another person. It was a very slow progress…one you could hardly detect and it was so easy not to see us drifting apart, because I didn’t want to. It took me many years to get over her. I never had a best friend like her again. And I don’t think I ever will, not like that. And I never got the chance to say goodbye.
In addition, I’m terribly good at leaving things behind. Every time a major change in my life occurred I simply left and started anew. This is a major change – and I really don’t want to lose everything. And I can’t tell anyone, because all they ever do is laugh and tell me how easy it is to keep in contact. And what they don’t know is that it is me. I’m afraid I won’t keep in contact. I’m afraid I won’t be interested in them anymore, not the other way round. I’m scared, because I don’t know how to not be that way. Maybe I just suck at being a friend.
When I am in my down mood I already think I don’t have a life to come back to, because it’s already gone – before I even left. But I know that’s not entirely true. Even if it might not be the best thing ever at the moment, it still is my life. They still are my friends, you still are my friends. At least I really hope so. And I’m scared of losing that.
So all these last few weeks when I haven’t been preparing for leaving like I should, when I didn’t think of what I want to take with me, all the stuff I’ll need, all the time I simply forgot to clean and sort through things and was too lazy to go to this or that office, to write and send a letter – all this time it wasn’t laziness or bad memory or any other one of those, it was simply stalling the inevitable. And it’s gotta stop. So as of now I will start planning towards leaving you. Doesn’t matter if it breaks my heart in a way.
I had this tiny little thought in the back of my head, nagging, trying to tell me that maybe this time I’d have the chance to say goodbye. But the truth is, I don’t want to.
What I want to do is to beg, to ask you not to forget me, to think of me, to write me, to still include me in your lives – and it’s so stupid, because this is me, the one who didn’t write comments or answer to your mails or was available on icq or anything. Me, the one who went through such a deep phase of loss, long before it even occurred, because I’m too damn scared of getting hurt again. And I’m more than sorry.
I really, really want to ask all that of you, but it doesn’t matter. Because I know this will be on me and not on you. And all I can do is promise to do my very best. I don’t know if it’ll be enough, I don’t know if anybody still cares. But I have to overcome this dead point I’ve reached and start looking forward into a hopefully bright future and enjoy it the very best I can. Because everybody keeps telling me my time in Boston will be so great and part of me really believes it.:)
I just wish I'd know how I'm supposed to feel...